this is my pal Guiness. I am dogsitting this week
and yesterday we went to the quarry.

There are so many things to see and so many ways of seeing.

• 
  “Do you remember high school?”~people love to ask that question,
  as if anyone could forget high school. A theoretical microcosm of the real world,
  which it wasn’t ever, really, but a torture or a joy or something in between…
  anyway, it was confusing, right? Because you were neither adult nor child.
  Imagine me, then—desperately needing my sea-legs—completely disconcerted. I thought I knew how to be in the world, I thought I had a handle on it and that it was my internal landscape that was skewed.
  My default setting is FLS—Feel Like Shit. I’ll spare you the pathology of that because mostly I’m in denial or have blocked it out anyway. I’m trying to work through my STUFF with therapy but you know what? It’s flucking hard. And it’s so odd now to realize that I have no idea how to be in the world, how to speak to people, what’s appropriate to reveal or when, how to read their expressions, or even to hear their words accurately. So I’ve backtracked to before high school, to infancy almost, when the language was foreign. Can you imagine how utterly bizarre this is—after 40+ years? Yes I’m exaggerating but not by much.
  
  So yesterday I wondered if perhaps my therapist doesn’t see his role differently than I do. I feel at times like I NEED him, I want drive-through therapy, Hey David, this is what I think, am I correct? But he doesn’t seem to think that things are as bad as all that. Yes there’s shit to dig through but I have already made major Major MAJOR changes and it’s OK to recognize that. I think HE thinks that I only need to check in with him once in awhile, continue on my path forwardish, and see him every couple of weeks to ensure that I haven’t dropped the paddle. That I can even see that I’m still holding the paddle.
  
  There is tremendous rubble around me and I’m standing in the midst of it crying, Look at this mess!!! I look into the distance and there are the towns of Home Ownership and Financial Solvency, or whatever carrot I have yet to achieve, and I weep: I have so far to go!! I am blind to the successes I’ve already achieved. I need to learn to see them.

it was the camera

you know i often cast a backwards glance
trying to understand what the trigger was
that sent us spiralling into blackness.
uhm, thanks to my parents
who had no right breeding
the potential was lurking there all along...
{i seldom think of myself as a negative person
but guess what? i think i'm wrong}

was it the trip to Maine,
was it NOT taking the Portland apartment
was it Fin's accident
was it this or that
but this weekend i've realized
it was the fucking camera.

i didn't WANT a digital camera.
my mom got me one and then I enjoyed it
and of course had to be gracious about it anyway...

When things imploded with Pippy
everything, for me at least, became entirely
black. There was nothing before, nothing would come after,
the only thing I could see was black black black.

And once I had her safely tucked away
of course I cut and ran.
that's my M.O.
But this weekend I'm looking at old photos
and there! I can see! I did crafts with the kids
and took them on camping trips
and sought out recreation.
There, see how many pictures there are of them
smiling together at the camera?
Smooching? Laughing? Watching holiday fireworks
with their mouths open in awe?
I did this, ME.
I gave my kids happy times,
I tried to encourage their sibling bonds...
There WAS good stuff, good times, all of us
loving each other.
The evidence of that, however, stops abruptly
when Pip is about 14
and all my snaps move to the computer.
Now there is no hard evidence.

That fucking camera damned me
to these skewed recalls that only tell me
how many, how deep, how varied were my fuck-ups.

i find the things that my family of origin
~my mother and my brother~
say and do
to be very hurtful.
i don't care so much at this point
because i don't trust either one of them
and they've always been hurtful to me
but i hate it that they hurt my kids.
it makes my insides feel hollowed out...
i don't know how to explain it any other way.
there's no anger or upset
just this emptiness when it comes to them
and hurt when they hurt my kids.
i pray to be thankful for them
but i'm not there yet.
and somehow i don't feel entitled
to maintain my distance from them
always i am rolling over, apologizing, etc.
my mother's problem with me
is HER problem, not mine.

I think i need a DOG.

there are days when i am pissed and full of grief
because i got gypped...i had TWO fucked up parents.

However, i must have done SOMETHING right
since Pip wants to be with me all the time...
and in other, really happy news, Fin's baseball team,
THE LIONS
won the county Little League championship last night
their season record was 15-0
and last night was a nail-biter...
4-1 til our last at-bat (home team)
when we rallied and scored enough runs
to win the game and the championship. WooT!

nevertheless, i suddenly feel very alone.

First, I want to thank all the kind folks who came by
to view my hnt.
i don't have internet at home
i take my laptop to the lib
or the bookstore
or some other place with access
or i log on at work
so needless to say,
my ability to respond is limited.

i can't say any more about hnt here & now
because that would be a mighty long post.

i have some pix to share
and a quick word that i am on call
again this weekend
i wish my friend tanya had a stronger self esteem
ex husband #1 wants his child support back
but in spite of all of this,
it's a lovely life.

i'm feeling very alive this weekend
because i am making things
instead of cleaning.
quilt Pippy made in summer art camp when she was
in second grade...wooden trunk i bought yesterday at a tag sale
for $15....
my living room coffee table
painted very light blue and with
a favorite quote from Whitman's
Leaves of Grass written on it
and several coats of polyurethane to protect...

flowers given to me by my little friend and neighbor...

Fin, the badass Lions left outfielder,
being a part of the team that has swept the entire league
and whose record is 13-0.

yOni MudRa HNT

Doing HNT is weird for me now, and awkward.
in fact, blogging at all feels foreign to me...
But I was feeling inspired.

The Yoni Mudra represents
getting in touch with female energies.
Symbolizes a woman's vulva.
So here ya go.

yeah, yeah, i'm over it.
just a blip on the radar...
which is considerably better than previously
when an attitude like yesterday's
would have dragged me down for weeks.
:-)
success is continuing to paddle upstream.

funny:
This morning Fin and i were both sleepy...
he says, I have heartworm.
i mumble, you don't have heartworm.
heartBURN, he says.
LOL LOL LOL